One
The sadness, the joy, and the longing unrequited…
The anger, the laughter, and the reach into the empty answer
Only love, only love…
Two
Your light was bright friend… you couldn’t see it
Your voice was clear and strong… you couldn’t speak it
You were so generous with others, and so miserly with yourself
You gave yourself away, so that you might belong
You finally put yourself first, with a desperate, selfish act…
And now you’re gone.
There’s nothing saintly in this story friend
So what’s that all about? It’s not for you, so who?
You played along that you might belong
Not getting that you already do
It’s not a saintly story friend, and yet, what does that mean?
Your search for god was far and wide
Did you think you were forsaken when you looked inside?
And through it all, you touched so many
With your integrity, your radiance… and yes, your smile
You’d be embarrassed in the knowing
Not in modesty, but in self-denial
And what’s this talk of your great heart opening?
Your heart already far more open than most will ever be
You played along that you might belong
Not getting you belong eternally
You never asked for anything… You were awkward in receiving
You were easy to take for granted… and so you were
And so much talk about your smile…
It was your light… alright… but it was also your lie
Yours was a silent scream, behind that wrinkled smile
Bowed head and furrowed brow…
Be at peace friend. I loved you once, I’ll love you again
I just don’t know about right now…
Three
You were my introduction
You were my inspiration
You were my adversary
You were my confidant
You were a touchstone… my touchstone
You’ve been my walking partner, over months and over seasons
Across decades and incarnations, will you walk with me now?
I only knew a facet of your diamond
It was the best piece I could know
I’ve now glimpsed oceans you never shared with me
I’ll be happy to let them go
We shared a deep respecting
We shared a deeper loving
There was a recognition
We knew an understanding
Your leaving was a failure, it didn’t have to be
Your spirit is still victorious, and that facet lives in me
And I’ll find it eventually…
Four
You’re overdoing the humility thing bro
You’re overdoing the humility thing
Self-loathing just isn’t a virtue
And you couldn’t make a case for it
I heard you were afraid of a reading
You’re one of the best read people I know
I heard you were afraid of a reading
C’mon, what’s up with that bro?
You’re overdoing the humility thing bro
You’re overdoing the humility thing
You’re a powerful, magnificent presence
And everybody knows but you
You were playing a role for acceptance
Someone the group would believe
Find a place of belonging
Then go home and smoke your weed
But what if the group finds out, bro?
You think they’re gonna say you’re wrong?
You think they’re gonna judge you…
And then you won’t belong?
Put the gun away bro. Put the gun away…
Five
Ever since my Bear dog died
I’ve been connecting with the other side
All kinds of connections both great and small
But you bro, I don’t feel at all
However you got there, I know you’re free
So I know the reason’s not you, it’s me
I guess I really don’t care if I feel ya today
‘Cause you took yourself out, and that’s not OK
Not yet, anyway…
Six
My opera friend just lost his muse, long illness she succumbed
Across the years he was always there, for him she was the one
Now there’s a saintly story friend, to which you might aspire
Your open heart was full of love, your courage needed fire
For a time you were a minister, twas then you knew your road
From clarity to entropy, that path it did explode
You went off on a journey to study a new way
You found a new community, a place you felt OK
You brought this new experience back home to start again
You couldn’t make it happen, it really never did begin
You didn’t feel “at home” at home, the business wasn’t yours
Your windows of expression just felt like open doors
Yours was a silent scream, behind that broken smile
Your spirit slowly dying, as you smiled all the while
Seven
This wasn’t a sudden impulse,
you were spinning it round and about
You can circle the edge of a whirlpool, but once you start down
There’s no pulling out
For all the love you showed others, you had no faith in this life
The world was one big conspiracy,
the shadow was drowning the light
You talked yourself into your impotence
You didn’t think you had a choice
You didn’t think anyone heard you,
you didn’t think you had a voice
This wasn’t a random decision, seducing yourself in your doubt
You can circle the edge of a whirlpool, but once you start down
There’s no pulling out
All the times I spoke of our blessing to live in this beautiful place
I had hoped it would make you feel better
I guess that wasn’t the case
You were nevertheless discontented,
You didn’t think you had the right
To be hopeless with all of your blessings,
So you just gave up the fight
You thought you were insignificant,
but you made a difference to me
Without your piece to the puzzle
The picture, I just can’t see
Eight
Been feeling cold, friend… like a shiver to the bone
In the middle of summer, my spirit feels alone
You gave a shakin’ to my faith there cowboy
With your shot heard ‘round the town
My optimism’s been a stutterin’… my anger is always around
Nine
I saw your girl at the grocery store, there wasn’t anything to say
Our long embrace was genuine,
then we went our separate ways
I just don’t understand your overwhelment
How could a smart guy like you get so confused?
How could your loving tender heart become so hopeless?
If you’re wanting my acceptance…. I refuse.
I’m not looking for silver linings, not when it comes to you
You’ve done a great disservice, friend
And you’ve done a lot of damage too.
But you know, I don’t think I’ll ever kill myself
‘Cause friend, it’s a fucked up thing to do
This life may be a mystery, but that much I know is true
I saw your girl at the grocery store, there wasn’t anything to say
We held each other in the emptiness,
then we went our separate ways.
Ten
The fires are burning friend, they’re burning away
Voices of anger are ruling the day
Time to be ready, ‘cause it could happen here
The follies of anger dissolve into fear
So the anger must end now, I’m letting it go
I want to be present with the people I know
You gave us a nightmare, insanity reigned
Whatever the stories, there’s no need to explain
And it’s time to move on now, to sing and rejoice
I’m living my life now, not making your choice
It’s time to be present with the life that is here
The joy of this moment is present and clear
And maybe from here, I will finally feel
A tingle, a presence, a light you reveal
In the words of a song, like a thief in the night
You’ll be walking inside me all the days of my life
You can walk with me friend…
Eleven
It’s been a couple of months now, I guess I can finally say
I’m glad you were here for a while friend
I just wish you could have stayed
You always were stubborn, bull-headed
It’s just because you were afraid,
that the world would just bull you over
So you preemptively just went away
The thing is, I really do miss you, just having you here was a gift
Your friendship was always a knowing,
your memory now is a lift
I know that you love me truly, you know that I love you too
When my world is a little bit empty.. still…
I can still take a walk with you
C’mon friend… let’s go for a stroll….
